By Gao Ming-zhi
Translated by Wu Hsiao-ting
Photo by Hsiao Yiu-hwa
Xiao-ya was a five-year-old girl who had a working mother. When her mom, Li-an, was busy, she left Xiao-ya in the care of her parents or in-laws. One day, Li-an discovered that her daughter liked to play the piano at her parents’ home, but not so when she was at her in-laws’ place.
Li-an learned that when Xiao-ya played the piano at her maternal grandparents’ home, the couple would applaud warmly every time she finished a tune. They’d also compliment the child for playing the instrument very well and for doing better than last time. When she played the piano at her paternal grandparents’ home, however, her grandpa would be quick to find fault with her playing, saying that she should have made a certain part louder and another part slower, or that she had hit a wrong note somewhere. Her grandma would say things such as, “Your classmate Ming-li plays the piano really well. You should try to emulate him.” When Xiao-ya said she had had enough playing for that day and wanted to leave the piano, her grandmother would say, “The little girl next door can play two hours straight without feeling tired. You’ve played just 30 minutes and you’re tired already?”
When Li-an determined where the problem lay, she pointed it out to her in-laws, hoping that they would change their way of mentoring Xiao-ya. Unfortunately, her hopes were dashed. Her father-in-law refused to say a word after hearing what she said. Her mother-in-law, on the other hand, responded in a raised voice: “We wash our hands of mentoring your child in anything!”
The couple’s reactions were food for thought. Like most other people, they didn’t take kindly to being corrected or criticized. They became emotional when corrected by their daughter-in-law, but it didn’t occur to them that they were doing the same to their granddaughter by criticizing her. No wonder Xiao-ya didn’t want to play piano at their home.
It’s important to learn to recognize another person’s emotions, which is especially true if you are a parent of a child. Additionally, you should not compare your children with others. When you pay attention to your kids’ emotional states and offer words of encouragement to them, they will feel cared for and respond in a more positive way.
“The greatest principle of human nature is the craving to be appreciated,” said William James (1842-1910), the father of American psychology. Everyone, in the depths of their hearts, feels the need to be appreciated and valued. We should therefore try to find the good in others and pay them sincere compliments. Doing so will bring sunshine and good cheer to the lives of others.
After much research, I have developed three principles to follow when praising others.
First, be sincere. In his book The Weakness of Human Nature, Dale Carnegie writes about a time when he was visiting a post office and noticed a clerk who seemed very bored. He wanted to make the clerk feel better by complimenting him on something he liked about him. He looked at him and, seeing something he sincerely liked, he told the clerk that he wished he had hair like his. A very pleasant conversation between them soon followed. This demonstrates how even small gestures of appreciation, if genuine, can cheer another person up. But such appreciation must be based in sincerity. People can sense when your admiration isn’t honest. Empty flattery, instead of making one feel good, can elicit negative emotions.
Second, be timely. One day as a man drove his wife to work, he noticed that she had taken time to dress up and was looking really good in her new outfit. But because he wasn’t used to complimenting others, he didn’t say anything about it. It wasn’t until he picked her up from work that he said her dress looked really nice. With hurt in her voice, the wife said in response, “Why didn’t you say so earlier? It shows you were not paying attention.”
It can make a world of difference whether you deliver a compliment at the right time or the wrong time, so it is better to not delay.
Third, be concrete. It’s hard for an abstract or unspecific compliment to leave an impression. For example, complimenting a salesclerk by saying, “You provide great service,” is not likely to leave a lasting impression. It’s just generic praise. Your praise will go much farther if you say to her, “You are a real asset to your company for selling so many shoes. Thank you for recommending such comfortable shoes to me and even helping me dispose of my old ones.” Saying something like, “Your scarf is beautiful, and it perfectly matches your clothes,” certainly beats blandly mentioning, “Your scarf is beautiful.”
In the natural world, wild geese fly in a V-shaped formation, each depending on the other. Doing so allows them to fly for a long time before they must stop for rest. This can provide a useful analogy for us. It is almost like the geese are supporting and cheering each other on. In the same way, we can help each other carry on using the power of praise and positivity. Each of us can “fly farther” when we support each other than we can alone. That certainly provides a lesson for us on which we can reflect.
